Dr Justine Anne Collins

Dr Justine Anne Collins

Clinical Psychologist

Why you can’t just get over it: maybe you have an anxious attachment style

Generally, studies of relationship dissolution have clarified more about the cognitive processes involved and differences across adult attachment orientations. For example, evidence shows that anxious attachment style individuals are more preoccupied with their partner after a break and experience more intense grief and are less capable of adjusting (Pietromonaco & Barrett, 2000). These findings support Bowlby’s model of attachment. Back in 1973 John Bowlby explained that preoccupation with the loss of an attachment figure and chronic grieving prevent psychological adjustment.

In 1990, Bowlby established that insecure type individuals find it more difficult to adjust after distressing life events. His model focused on the loss of an attachment figure and grief. In his definition of ‘disordered mourning’, he branded two dysfunctional types of mourning, namely, the absence of conscious grieving, and chronic mourning (which can be understood as rumination; defined as an extreme focus on the loss and pining for the deceased).

An absence of conscious grieving is a typical avoidant type cognitive response, in which the individual suppresses negative affect, and an increased desire or need to be self-reliant. Therefore, they are less likely to ruminate on the loss or difficult experience and the associated feelings.

In contrast, chronic mourning is described as a preoccupation with relationship loss. This is a typical anxious cognitive response, whereby the individual engages in ruminations about the loss and pines after the person. These preoccupations or ruminations prevent the individual from transcending and adjusting to the loss.  In terms of relationship dissolution, Saffrey and colleagues (2017) suggest that after a relationship break up, anxious type individuals are more likely to engage in chronic mourning due to negative self-perceptions. They claim that ruminating may act as a way of maintaining the relationship, or a means of self-verification. In the way that ruminating about the rejection verifies their negative self-perception.

Anxious attachment type individuals are highly sensitive to threats of rejection and abandonment, this is complicated by the fact that they have a strong desire for close relationships with others.

Commonly, anxiously attached individuals quickly shift between feeling secure to feeling apprehensive about their relationships. They experience what has been termed as ‘relationship ambivalence’, oscillating between wishes for love and affection, and fears of rejection and abandonment (Mikulincer, Shaver, Bar-On, & Ein-Dor, 2010).  They often hyper-focus on attachment figures, monitoring them for signs of love or rejection. When a sign of rejection is perceived, they become emotionally and cognitively besieged. This preoccupation or rumination about the relationship is believed to consume the person’s cognitive resources, resulting in limited cognitive capacity.  This was illustrated in a study, which identified the cognitive process in which anxious style individuals ruminate about attachment relationships. It was discovered that the internal working model consumes the individual’s focus and attention, thus, leaving them with the limited cognitive capacity to engage in or perform other cognitive tasks, including functioning at work (Stanton, 2015).

Moreover, some attachment researchers have suggested that individuals with an anxious attachment style are less likely to understand relationship dissolution. Consequently, engaging in more rumination, and possibly blaming their partners for the break-up (Collins & Clark, 1989) This is supported by research showing that after a relationship break-up, both anxious and fearful-anxious type individuals tend to report more tension, depressive symptoms, ambivalence, resentfulness, and reduced cognitive capacity, when compared to secure and avoidant attachment types (Pistole, 1995). Generally, individuals high in attachment anxiety seem most prone to experiencing adjustment difficulties in day-to-day life, as well as following a relationship breakup (Saffrey et al, 2007).

What can you do if you have an anxious attachment style:

  • After a relationship break-up, focus on what you gained from the relationship, not what was lost
  • Create a new routine
  • Seek support from others
  • Stay connected – spend more time with family and friends
  • Re-evaluate your goals – think about what you would like to achieve
  • Use behavioural techniques to break patterns of rumination (see post how rumination can ruin your life)
  • Engage in mindfulness and self-compassion

*If you are feeling overwhelmed and having difficulty managing, seek professional advice.

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