Our focus in society on “self-esteem” may have caused a generation of narcissists!
Self-esteem is generally defined as “one’s attitude towards oneself or one’s opinion or evaluation of oneself, which may be positive (favourable or high), neutral, or negative (unfavourable or low)” (Oxford Psychology Dictionary).
Self-esteem is a positive characteristic, however, this is when we maintain a healthy level.
When we possess too little self-esteem, it can lead to depression, and personalities which crave approval from others, and an extreme desire for personal achievement (Karen Horney). Conversely, when we possess too much self-esteem or self-love, it can fall into the narcissistic realm. Very high self-esteem is often associated with a strong sense of entitlement, relationship issues, and an inability to learn from mistakes.
Therefore, the pursuit of self-esteem is based on feeling special and above-average, or better than others. The problem with self-esteem is related to this pursuit.
In our society, to have “high” self-esteem, you must perceive yourself as special or above-average. For example, if your friend rated you as ‘average’ you would likely feel hurt by this. Self-comparison with others feeds this dysfunctional self-perception, and yet, we are constantly pitted against others in our society. There is evidence which suggests that a large majority of bullying issues stem from the pursuit of high self-esteem (i.e., feeling special and better than others).
So then how do we learn to accept and love ourselves without being narcissistic?
Western psychology has recently drawn on Eastern philosophy, to gain a deeper understanding of what stimulates positive psychological health and well-being.
One principal Buddhist concept introduced to Western psychology is self-compassion (Neff, 2003). Self-compassion has been defined as “being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical; perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating, and holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them”.
There are three components which comprise the self-compassion construct. These are:
Self-kindness is about being understanding and tolerant of ourselves when we make mistakes, when we are faced with difficult life experiences, and when we fail. When you are faced with a difficult time, using compassion and kindness towards yourself to help comfort yourself in distressing times.
Common-humanity refers to the recognition that we all suffer as humans, and that we are all imperfect and inadequate. That it is “part of the human experience we all go through; rather than something that happens to ‘me’ alone” (Neff, 2003). The essence of humanity – mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect.
Mindfulness “is an awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally” (Kabat-Zinn). Thus, the mindfulness component of self-compassion refers to the observation and acknowledgment of negative thoughts and emotions, without suppression or denial. Seeing these negative thoughts and emotions with clarity but without judgement.